heart is painful. really a loser i am. wrote a letter to wai ming during his birthday and our 999 days anniversary. told him everything about what i think about our relationship. thought indirectly let him know that i wish him to pay some efforts in maintaining our relationship.
i dun mind travelling far to meet him up. but i really miss him. but the day when i told him in a "casual" way, said that i felt that our dating dismissed earlier and earlier. His face suddenly turned black. scary. speechless, dun wan to say anything. this is just my opinion. girls are sensitive. I feel that he has no mood/heart to maintain our relationship. he prefers to sleep at home, enjoy his dota, watch drama and video alone more than dating with me. I und that guys need their own time more than girls do.
i do give him much space. now i didn't call him frequently..coz even if i am to call, he might not be picking up. i just wish that i can have more time from him to maintain our relationship. maybe after few years of dating this is very common ba..i think i have to set a limit for myself, not to sacrifice for too much and at the end..i am the only who suffer..
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Coming back to Ipoh for a few days holidays.. It had been long for not visiting my hometown... It is as usual, met my friends and accompanied my family. The topics with friends with always be relationship, boy friend...
I felt glad that I found one who I loved and the relationship is getting stable. I thought after making some changes, finally we seldom quarrel... However, then now.....we just quarreled and I really feel very sad...
He asked me if his blazer is at my Singapore home. I said yes, why? He said he need to use, and keep blaming me that why didn't I tell him about this. I said i thought u knew it. Then he said what for putting at my place. Hello !! How would I know. Blamed me for this, do I need to remember everything if urs? I will be super busy then. I feel he is really over.. Held me responsible to all this. Though I know I have responsibility, but don't you think that it is too over of pushing all the responsibility to me?
Another thing that have bothered for long..since we start dating... He always dun pick up my calls... I really can't imagine if I have any emergency.. Where I have my last words to tell him.... Lol... I think I think too much... Lol...but indeed, at least a call back after he saw the missed calls right.... He seldom does so...Aiz... Who can help me? Suffered....
有好一段时间没写日记了。今天心情不怎么好。对，我们有吵架了。这次没有在电话中吵，是用信息在吵。当然，没有意外的，我真的觉得只是小事，我也不觉得自己有什么错，直到现在。
昨天，工作了整天，因为有career fair，所以星期六也要工作。哎。。回家时，他问了我一个问题，他说bank的e statement 通常是几时通知我的。我说不知道，回去再查。之后，我就问他说为什么要知道，他一直都不要说。我问他，他就说不用紧了，我不需要了。我说那你本来要那个资料来干什么的呢。他死都不要告诉我，就这样我们就开始吵架了。我真的不知道我做错了什么，只是问一个问题而已。他说，我在没有回答他问题之前，不要问他问题。我真的不能理解。我不明白。难道跟我解释一下那么困难吗？我那时候在回家途中，不能帮他找资料啊。为什么他那么执着。我不明白我做错了什么。
是我们真的不适合对方吗？我真的不能了解他在想些什么。我觉得很辛苦。难道我想问些问题也不能吗？他说，可以，可是请我先回答他的问题。哎。。我真的很不明白。男生都这样吗？难道回答我一个问题有那么复杂吗？他说我在把事情搞的更复杂。
我真的觉得辛苦。我一直都觉得我不能拿他和别人的男友比较。可是我真的很难去理解他所做的事情，还有想法。不是普通人能理解的。我能说的只是，他真的是大男人了。
谁能告诉我，应该要怎么应对。哎。
说真的，我们真的没像以前那样，那么常吵架了。我不知道为什么，是麻木了吗？应该不是。我想，可能是因为我改变了自己的想法吧.
-A dream of his-
A confession I am about to make
Last week, I had a weird dream. I was getting married in the dream. To me, it felt good, it was as if I have finally get a grip of my life and achieve the things that I needed before settling down. I was in a grand hall before the wedding. Everything was nice and pretty. Cool and perfect.
Skipping past everything. I was at the ceremony. Then I saw my bride. She turned. She was pretty, but it shocked me that she was not you. Instantly, all the happy feeling was gone. It was like all the light in my heart disappear. Only one thought in my mind.
Where is Chong Mei Qi?
I scrambled, looked around, run around. I felt empty.
In my dream, my mind was all CMQ. The way she runs when she's happy, the way she smile, the way she giggle, the way she think with a sa po look.
Then tears dropped. Like tears rolling round my eyes now. Then I realised.
I love CMQ alot.
Losing her like taking a part of my life away.
Felt lost.
PS. I really feel touched. But it all happened after we had a big quarrel and I started to doubt myself, him and our relationship. I asked myself, does he really feel so? Or just trying to fix things after having such a big quarrel. I dun und y he chose to tell me this at this timing. I can imagine the scene, the feelings that he has. I do love him, I do, not less than his love. But I dun und, since we love each other so much, y do we used to quarrel so frequently? 780 days of dating, I bet we dun even und each other by 20%. Wat should we do? I feel helpless, I do not wat to do to change the situation. All I have are just disappointment, sadness and doubtfulness.
我真的很不开心，
安静的房间，
寂寞的气味在蔓延，
听着A-Lin疗愈的情歌，
却。。。
治不了心里的痛和寂寞。
或许，
其实我把自己想得太重要，
或许，
我根本没有资格要求，
或许，
我爱你比你爱我多，
或许，
不知不觉中，
我失去了自我，
或许，
我已经不知道我要的什么了。
有时候，
觉得我知道你要什么，
在一起久了，
有些事你不说我也懂，
有时候，
觉得你知道我要什么，
在一起久了，
以为有些事我不说你也懂，
知道我要些什么。
但，却，
我不知道你是自私，吝啬还是有别的原因，
我好像很难得到我想要的。
对你来说，
女生不是拿来哄的，
女朋友也不一定只是拿来疼的吧，
我究竟要怎样才能得到我要的？
究竟还要付出多少才能换取我要的？
永远都得不到吗？
I really hate myself, hate myself for being so clumsy and blur. I bought bus tickets for the wrong date! and the tickets were not expired, so I dun think they will refund me money. WTH! the even more sad thing is when u feel so sad, disappointed of urself, u get nothing from ur partner, but words of not syok and blaming. I am really sad and disappointed...sad for the money, but even more sad of ur action...