got a long time din write blog again...i enjoy my vacation very much....trying my best to enjoy it before my result release date...in case it will spoil my mood...with a high chance...went out with my fren today..foo keat...we talked a lot...dunno y i felt like i und guyz very much..i mean in term of relationship...maybe after getting with wai ming, i started to learn to und guyz more...like wat way they think, wat they need and wat they dislike/like...almost all bingo...haha...my fren agreed with me for most...we had a great chat...but the bad thing was...i forgot to pay my fren lunch money...hahaha....then night went out with ling, yun and ming...we had a great great great chat also...i felt great that yun was willing to share her things with us...now only i knew how sinful am i...suddenly i felt that our conversation topic changed...not like last time...always just chui shui...now we shared a lot of our personal things, problems, family...i am very very happy...i think we will definitely continue until dunno wat time if ling's relatives din come and fetch her up...lolx...hope we can continue to have such a good chat next time! love u all! muax!!!
最近不知道为什么,睡觉前总会想会以前的我们...想着你当初追我时,想着那种心动的感觉..你牵起我手时,我心跳加速的感觉,就好像在做愧心事的感觉...第一次的害羞抱抱...第一次亲吻的感觉..真的很奇妙...心情莫名紧张得很...不知道哪个时候,这些感觉满满地减少了.....情侣在一起久了就酱...
ya...finally we both feel it...y? coz of ur sensitivity..im tired in making myself excited all the time..feeling talking..but..when u use ur that kind of attitude, talking to me..i really dun feel like talking anymore..cant even ask any question..y? u ask me y dun have excitement? y do i change? coz im tired...tats all..feel tired of ignoring those unhappy things and act as if im super excited and happy..dun ask me y..im just tired...theory applied to me, to talk about my fault..u r the best...when same theory applied to u, u always have ur way and rationale of defeating it..i have nothing to say...
ya..we quarreled again this week..we din get to chat much this week coz i was busy at night and got lots of discussion.. when i was done with my stuff, he ald gotta sleep..it was so hard for me, but i tried to control myself..not to be tempered like "da xiao jie"..however, we still ended up with quarrelling.. the reasons are super stupid..please dun laugh after reading this..He told me he wanted to watch the movie "skyfall" so much..james bones..so below was our conversation that day... Me: u wanna watch skyfall right? we watch it this week la..friday or sat night i also can.. WM: erm..no free movie ticket meh? i thought u said we will be watching paranormal activity 4 with ur bro? Me: oh..dun have paranormal activity 4 ald..all down..we r too late..and my bro watched skyfall ald..so we din watch ald..maybe wait for other movies lo.. WM: oh..ok..then watch lo.. Me: i think i have voucher for the movie ticket le..last time when i applied for debit card one..but not sure le..gotta check.. WM: oh..ok...u check..see whether can use it on friday one.. Me: ok lo..but i think it is in another cinema wor..wanna book tickets online first? friday many ppl..but i think the voucher cannot be used to book online.. WM: u check and c how first.. Me: or we just buy online..dun bother the voucher la.. WM: u check first.. Me: y must use voucher wor.. WM: i thought u said wanna save money? i got bit overspent this month.. Me: oh..ok lo..if my voucher cannot be used..then dun watch liao..save money.. WM: y everytime u wanna say so negative geh? Me: i just assume ma.. During the conversation above, i was in tv lounge..just finished online project discussion..at this time, there were a pair of couple came in and wanted to watch tv..so i decided to keep my stuff and moved back to room and only continued my conversation with WM. Me: dear..someone wanna watch tv..i keep my stuff first..later settled down i called u back.. WM: wat? u answer me first..y u wanna say till so negative.. Me: let me keep my stuff first k? others wanna watch tv..and i talk very loud here..feel weird that others listen to our conversation..i call u back later k? (it is super near, i think 5 minutes will do) WM: wat? u answer la..y must hang up oh? answer me first..y u everytime wanna say things till so negative.. Me: (maggie's mind) @#$%^&*#$%^ let me keep my stuff first k? i cant keep my stuff..i called u back..very soon.. WM: (WM's mind) #$%^&*$%^& y cannot answer? By this time, i ald left my stuff in the tv lounge...and stepped out.. Me: aiyo..y cannot le me settled down first oh.. WM: (hang up the phone) Me: (maggie's mind) WTF! So, let me conclude..basically, y do we quarrel? coz i thought he wanna watch the skyfall very much..usually he asked me for movie one..if u r my very good frenz, u should know that i seldom go cinema one...>< ya..i did say..we must save money now..therefore, i limit ourselves to go to restaurant for only once per month..usually will go food court..even if we shopping in shopping mall, we will only go food court..if not really will overspend.. but then i thought u wan to watch that movie very much, so i ask u to go lo..if dun book online, friday night movie really sold off fast.. i started to wonder..wat did i do wrong? i just made assumptions..where this is nature of me, nature of Maggie Chong..not purposely say it for qi hua or watever.. i really dunno how to change..i started to think..am i suppose to say things carefully in front of him? i thought sometime..couple is like very very best frenz...we will feel easy to say anything in front of them..coz we know each other very well...and we will understand sometime if the sentence is intended to make joke or wat..i really duno how..tats y i posted status in fb... i really feel very tired..dunno wat to do...i know he sacrifised lots for me..so do i..and it is indeed super hard for me..to adapt to the environment, being alone..having meals alone in school...no room..so i could only eat in canteen..alone..for every meal..it is tough for gal..especially for a gal who afraid of being alone and loneliness..trying hard not to blame u..not to angry u..coz u replied fb msg late..at night..think that u need time for ur own..although i need someone to talk to very much..need ur care very much..tried hard to control myself..and wait for weekends so that i could meet u.. guyz wont understand this one..forever..:(
A great page for Nov? Definitely not!! I am overwhelm recently..coz final exam is just around the corner..and I have a lot of assignments, projects as well as presentations...I also have a test tomorrow, which weights 20% of the module.. and yet I finish revising..aiz...One of my secondary school best friends came to Sg to work...Personally I am very happy that she came..Coz i will have more companion in Sg..however..it is totally different than what i expected..the first time, she wanted me to go out..it is ok..coz semester just started...the second time, she came to sg for job interview and asked me to go out..ok also..since I am not so busy yet... It seems to be getting unreasonable for me.. Wai Ming said.."y ur fren like that, expect u to go out and skip lecture? what kind of friend is this? I thought true fren should really care for each other.."then i dun bother..not that i dun bother..is that i dun wan to bother..i dun wan to accept the real fact... then i told him.."oh ya..i think i will be letting her to sleep on my bed and i will sleep on the floor" Wai Ming said.."har? y?if it is me, i dun bother..i will just sleep on the bed"..personally, i think it is ok for me..not often, visitors ma...but then things came up differently..before i told her that she will be sleeping on the bed today, she already requested me to do so..this made me feel....really really bad..like wat wai ming said was totally right..aiz... and now..she finally came to Sg for work...and I am really overwhelm with lots of work..although sg is not big, but without car...i need an hour plus to go to her place..i understand that being new to Sg, she will definitely need someone to accompany with, maybe to do some administrative stuff together..like buying sim card, groceries and so on...oh please, with 2 group projects, 1 individual assignment, 2 test and 1 presentation on the same week is not an easy stuff!! maybe im selfish..but i thought she will understand..but end up, through our conversation, i think she dun und...aiz.. she was my best best fren last time..but now i wondered...why were we best friend last time? I really cannot understand what she is thinking..am i wrong? can someone tell me? is it that im too realistic?
伟民最近告诉我说，我应该会和我nbs那班朋友一起住。说真的，我已经早就做最坏的打算了。早已经预料到这个可能性。告诉自己说要大方点，不要去那么介意，不要那么多疑，他应该会自己看着办的。虽然还是会担心，毕竟本来就是个我一直觉得有威胁的人。现在要和伟民做housemate,一定担心啊。一直提醒自己要大方些，如果事情真的要发生，无论怎样阻止，它终究要发生。
随着伟民的毕业离开这个学校，加上朋友们去台湾做交换生，我慢慢发觉自己变了。。以前的我，喜欢和朋友吃饭，如果一个人独自在食堂吃饭，我会觉得很不自在。。现在的我，反而很多时候你想和朋友一起吃饭，都喜欢自己一个人坐着，慢慢吃。。。或许随着环境的改变我不得不变吧。。
I really not happy today..or i should say..im super sad..today we quarrelled again..of course, me and waiming..i went to find him today at his workplace...as usual, we went for dinner nearby..when we were walking to the foodcourt, i told him that i need to go back early today..coz i wanna buy something for my frenz...it is her bday...and i talked about my fren's bday celebration..the other fren..guy frenz..waiming started questioning me..said that why did i celebrate with the guy frenz and din celebrate with the gal frenz...i said...coz dunno it is her bday today..yesterday only i knew...and i ald promised waiming to go...then mai din celebrate with her lo..aiz...he said he felt that the gal frenz treat me better..y am i so weird that i din celebrate with her and celebrate with the guy frenz..i repeat my sentence...coz i dunno ma..i dunno it is her bday..>< he repeat his sentence...coz i dun und y do you treat the guy fren so good...he treats u so bad...i said..this is what u saw..but this wasnt the fact...then we keep quarrelling...nonstop..aiz..he said i was so defensive...tats y he think that im sam yau c...omg...i really got nothing to say...we keep quarrelling until very late..going here and there...sienz...i really think....now our cold war and quarrel are getting more and more serious..i think he wont sms or find me this few days...i will also hold on to my move...i really beh tahan liao...i dislike his attitude..
不知道为什么最近我总爱无理取闹.... >< 人家真的不开心嘛，有什么办法...问你有没有空聊聊天，结果答案是什么？see how...为什么,就算是那短短的五分钟，我也会很开心很感动的.现在已经不像那样，要求那么多了.但,我总觉得，我的到的更少了.我只是很想他而已...想每天都听到他的声音..我知道我们不应该衡量我们付出了多少,但以前的我,真的会因为对方迟回讯息而生气.到现在，我都没有要求他要立刻回我,想要的只是，偶尔的一通电话.可以不要让我觉得你好像把我彻底的忘了好吗？
你不懂我的心,你也不会想要去懂,想要的是...希望你不会永远都不懂....
今天,心情不是很好...突然觉得要维持一段感情真的是很难...在一起久了,不知不觉中就把不开心的事放大了...开心的事感觉变得越来越渺小了...现在的我,就是在人群中也会寂寞到痛苦流泪...可是你却不明白我的感受...往往我做的一切,在你眼中都是自讨苦吃...我很寂寞...
真的有好一段日子没写日记了...开学已经五个星期了..最近我觉得好寂寞...因为jiun走了..之前还有人陪陪呢..现在真的好寂寞..好朋友们都走了,伟民又不得空理我...每天就是上课,做project,读书,看戏,吃饭,睡觉...觉得好孤单..很想和朋友聊天,很想有多姿多彩的生活...如果有朋友们陪着我就好了..虽然说,这样也好..我能专心读书..可是...我怕我回崩溃呢...哎,也不能做什么了...就只能看着办了...祝我好运..一定要加油..
好久没写部落格了...有点忙,而且很懒惰...现在又开始写的原因,当然是因为有心事咯...看到以前自己的照片,觉得自己现在真的好肥好肥...不开心..可是又爱吃... =( 还有就是伟民的事,经营一段感情真的是很辛苦...不容易啊...最近已经觉得吵很少架了...可能更难见面了吧...所以比较珍惜跟对方相处的时间..刚刚他心情有点不好,是工作上的烦恼..想跟他一起谈谈,怎么说,就是很想他跟我谈心事,这样才觉得有被重视的感觉...虽然心里面知道自己是被重视的,可是还是...想要明显感受到这种被重视的感觉...想说打电话跟他聊聊,让他心情好些..虽然他已经fb msg我说,他很累,想睡了,但,我还是控制不到自己..打了电话给他..他说的第一句话,竟然是冷冷的一句,我不是叫你不要打给我了吗?我的心真的很痛,可是还是要假装说,噢,我只是想要跟你说声晚安...结果,真的就这样说了再见...可能自己把事情放大了吧..我知道他很累,很不开心,但,这样就挂电话,难道,他不知道我会不开心吗?哎.................................................................
today damn angry sia..got two stupid indians..they are staff from my internship company..initially we want to help them make the staff ID card to prove that they are our company staff. I asked photos from them then they said they already submitted since they joined our company. I said i couldn't find..why cant just submit another one to us..they keep complaining..until my boss also know..then okay lo..i go and search again..found two ugly photos on their employment application form..then i help them to make lo..after they collect the pass from me, still complain..said i wrote their name wrongly..please la..how would i know wor..i just follow the name list given by my colleagues...then keep complaining..i am fXXXing angry..then tear out their photo and make again..then just simply do for them..today..they keep complaining..to my boss there sia...finally they submit the photos..said that the old staff ID made not nice..photo torn..this and that..stupid! stupid indian ladies they are! not becoz of races..just becoz of their attitude! so bad their attitude..as if take everything in granted..OMG! please..you dont pay me for all the things i do!
我不明白为什么他那么爱无理取闹...我到现在我都不明白我做错了些什么?昨天我们冷战了...昨晚出了去,hush puppies有sales..便宜..看到好多美的裤子...自从大家一起变胖后,他都很少穿他以前的裤子了..跟朋友出去,或者跟我出去都只是穿普通的运动裤..想说这次有sales,一件裤子$30,我觉得蛮便宜的啊..在马来西亚买都要五六十一件,而且还不是hush puppies的呢...所以我就一直劝他买咯...他生气了,说他不要买可是我还一直叫他买...他说等他出粮了再买,可是那时就没有sales了啊...我有做工,有点钱..可是先帮他付啊...可是到后来,我看他真的没有很想买,脸都黑了..我就说,不用紧啦...你不想买就不买咯..他又说,买买买我买...之后,我们就要回去学校..他等都没等我,就一个人快快走到去巴士站..我真的不明白他生气我什么...结果,我也生气了...上了巴士,我故意不要坐他隔壁,结果,到了学校,他竟然不下车...只有我一个人下车...我真的气昏了...结果我fb他,知道他看了我的msg也不要回...我真的很生气..问他说,你到底要不要回我...他就说,他不想买,我却一直吵他买...他没钱,我还一直吵他买...又说,我之前一直说,真的要省钱了...现在又一直叫他买...说我连上巴士都不要坐他隔壁...我哭了...我真的不会当一个他要的女朋友...他所谓好的女朋友...如果一个女朋友,吵着男朋友要男朋友买东西给自己..生气她是应该的...可是,现在我是劝他买裤子给他自己,又不是要求他买东西给我...他却生我的气?我知道他还有一段日子才会出粮,但我不介意帮他出着先...又不是奢侈品..是必需品...我真的不能谅解他,不能了解他...我不知道他要什么...或许,我并不是他要的人吧...
又有好久的一段日子没写部落格了..终于完了...辛苦的一个学期,终于完了..我很害怕..虽然说,我成功的一个人完成了project,但我一直很怕别人会因为我酱,而下个学期不在和我一起同组..=( 不知道为什么有这样的感觉...就顺其自然咯...虽然,假期应该有三个月多,但扣除了我做工的时间,所剩不多咯..好可怜..哎...我其实是很不舍得这个学期的,因为,这是伟民和我在学校的最后一个学期..好不舍得..以后就没有人帮我了...那天我问他说,以后都没有人帮我了,没人跟我分享事情了...=( 他说,不用紧啊..周末周日我们还会见面的啊...我说,那平时呢?晚上呢?不能跟我skype吗?他说,我可能没有申请internet.我又说了,那电话呢?也可以skype啊..他说,我会很忙,上班回来已经很累了,还要读书考外面的考试..我说,难道5分钟都不行吗?我自己心里已经做了最坏的打算..他要打就打,不要打我就自己看戏,读书..有自己的节目..当你想尽办法为大家做出一些事情时,对方却诸多理由..感受是怎样的呢?当然,是很不好的..或许,我应该和jiun讨教一下如何学会自己生活..我很害怕的事,真的要来了...我们一不见面就一定吵架了..我知道,真的,有很多时候是我先开始的...原因是,我很不开心,为什么分隔两地的我们,只有我在想你?只有我在想尽办法联络你?而你,说到自己也很在乎我,很想我..但却,没有任何的证据..电话也不愿意打一通...我知道问题所在,但要解决真的不容易..可能真的要像jiun说的那样..把自己搞得好忙好忙..那么,就不会去烦这些事情了..这就是我暂时的策略..所有的事情,都是看他如何做,我才如何反应...虽然有时会想起,与jiun和claire当时一起疯疯癫癫的时候,但坦白的说一句,我很不舍得现在的感觉..世界只有我和他的感觉..不知道为什么,永远不会闷,虽然,有时会吵架,冷战..但,能和他这样一起,我真的很开心..当想到这一切即将结束时,我真的真的好不舍得..我其实很怕我下个学期会崩溃..伟民出去做工了,claire,jiun & zhiheng又去台湾exchange, yoyo又毕业了..只剩下我...
从来不知道我可以有那么复杂的心情。空虚寂寞无奈失落 。我不知道我做错了什么，以为生气的人应该是我。。。
今天体验到一种新的感觉，不知道如何形容。听着叮当的新歌，很爱过，泪忍不住掉了。我知道伟民
很爱我，很多人也知道他很爱我。我夜相信他是真的爱我的。可是当你看到他做的种种事情，又止不住怀疑其实他对那女的有意思。可能感觉不比爱我的多，但就还是觉得有。对朋友说了一些关于他fyp groupmates 的事，就很凶的用臭脸对着我。和他们上网讨论东西时，那女的用msn call他时，他很紧张地要遮住他电脑的镜头。令我很无言 。他平时不会这样的，以前我在msn打电话给他，基本上他都没有接的，更不会匆匆忙忙地接电话，然后还要很像很兴奋。我的心很痛。是真的很痛。当很爱一个人的时候，你会情不自禁想要完全拥有他。但你发现他一点点对异性好的时候，真的是痛不欲生。=(
又是recess week的到来,可是真的提不起劲干活..不想读书..只是想睡觉,看戏,发呆...也因为这样,有了比较多的时间给自己..令我去反省..是否,自己真的太任性,太野蛮了...要求太多了...想回以前的事,很多很多事情...人慢慢的变得贪心,自私...take things for granted..甜蜜时期过了吗?是时候回到现实了吗?以为自己想要更加被注意,想要更加被疼爱是非常正常的事...可是却自私地要求对方给我更多的时间..因为,我真的想要趁着这个短短的假期,偷懒一下..不喜欢总是一个人..在房间里发呆...我需要人陪,需要有人跟我聊天..需要有人跟我谈心...想要去做些疯狂的事...我很喜欢去johor玩..为什么?真的只是东西比较便宜吗?就是因为,在新加坡,我找不到那种感觉..那种..真的是出去走走..散心的感觉..每次在新加坡出了去..回到宿舍...就会有那种罪恶感...因为,你会令我觉得我浪费了你很多时间..搞到我也不开心..好累...真的好累..为什么..永远我们的问题,你都说成是我开始的..而不是两个人都该付上责任呢?我的想法..好像永远都是错的..难道,我真的需要做出改变了吗?要变得宅一点,不爱出街,不爱跟人说话,时常关自己在房间,就算你说的,我不同意也好..我也不可以出声..只能安静地接受..永远不要有意见..不要跟别人说我们的事,不能把自己不开心的东西放上FB...就专心做个小女人就好了吗? .....
I am not happy again. This time not becoz of academics..but becoz of him, Chua Wai Ming. We quarrel again.. and this time i am really really angry and chose to get back to my room instead of accompanying him. I know i lost something this time..I just dun think that I am wrong.
我最近真的很不开心..是在我人生中懂事以来最down的一次..觉得自己不是属于这个世界的..第一次冲动得有想过要轻率结束生命的感觉....我的一个module,有project要做,min 4 ppl and max 6 ppl in a group.我们组本来有六个人刚刚好..结果,有一个人的朋友,在add drop period 时,加入了我们班,搞到我们组有七个人.. 我的groupmate A在星期五告诉我说,说他们决定要四个人一组,要我们其他三个人滚蛋..我们也没办法,所以就要自己找组了..本来想说,就我们三个人一组在拉多一个组员进来就好了..结果,星期一上课时,去到班,我那两个朋友都分别有了自己的组了...只剩下我...可怜的我..就只好硬着头皮一个人坐了...结果一到break时,我就去问一组,你们好,你们组有多少人,我还没有组,可以join你们吗?都没有什么人理我,结果有一个人终于说话了,就是冷冷的一句,不可以,我们已经开始做着东西了..不能..我心情顿时变得很不好受了..但想了想,一定还有办法的..结果,我又问了另一组,有一个组员说,那组四个人,为什么你不要加入他们?然后我就开始解释说,他们只是要四个人..结果把我们踢了出来..我的朋友已经找到组了..只剩我...可以让我加入吗?结果那女的就说,哦..那个人啊?我认识的..我帮你跟他说说..结果,他们谈了谈..那女的回来就跟我说,其实你之前的groupmate不介意跟你同组..只是他朋友不是那么想..然后我说,我可以加入你们组吗?那女的..说了一句,不好意思..对我来说,不是很okay..sorry..我的心好痛好痛...只说了一句nvm就跑出课室了...当然,接下来就是泪流满面.. 之后不久,我的groupmate就打了通电话给我..说,你还好吗?结果我又爆发了...他说他跟他的朋友说了..他朋友说可以让我加入他们..可是..说真的..我真的不想..因为他们之前本来就不想要我加入了...我觉得以后合作都会有问题的..结果..我就写了封email给我的prof..向他申请说我要一个人做...哎...现在搞到prof要见我..我真的不知道发生了什么事...为什么我会这样?我真的那么差吗?真的很想要滚回去马来西亚了..我很受不了..这些压力..
看似好,听似好..好像很好听那样, 跟别人说我在新加坡南洋大学读..但外人却不能真正了解有时我的压力..真的很辛苦..才开学不久,就被groupmate说了,说她多累多累..好像我没有在做那样..真的很不开心..我哭了..很大压力..不是第一次了..有时,真的很想投降..但想到,花的钱,花的时间..就还是硬着头皮..继续读下去..我知道我的天资比较差,英文又烂..可是,酱子来被别人说不是,真的很伤心..我..迷失了...自己...='(
Today is too shuang already..not because that i kena toto, not because that i went shopping, not because that someone praised me leng lui..just because that i chat with my first ex bf...he found me via fb and chat with me..i of course reply him..coz it is ok for me if just chit chat sometime..of coz i dun treat him as my frenz..just very curious wan to know whether he is still so childish..haha..then i told him..i still rmb clearly of how he revenge on me, what he did in my mind..then he ask me to forget it..already passed..i got a different view..y? just because i think it is very difficult to erase something or forget something that already happened..and is sad, disappointed, angry..i said i still rmb all the things, but all these things will be my supplements to live a better life..he kept asking me to forget, and said he is sorry.haha..feel very shuang..then he said he now very enjoy his pb life..i dunno wat is pb..and obviously he want me to ask about it, so i ask him wat is pb..he said playboy..i know wat he want..he want me to advise him, care of him, y he wanna be like tat..of course i am clever enough, i said..oh...u also can be playboy meh..but anw, tats good, u happy zau hou..not bad wat..enjoy jiu hao..he sure being za dou gou gou li..hahah...super shuang!!! then said again, regret or wat..then i said..u wan me to totally forgive u, it is impossible..and u need not to regret, coz regret wont help in anything, u regret wont make me feel better also..haha..YES YES YES!!! i win..after so many years, i really realize that i have grown much more mature compare to him..and i am no more a gal who scare of ppl, scare of problems or anything..i am brave enough to face prob ald..=) a nice step forward for 2012..keke